My mum was a ladies maid for the wife of a Baronet (Jo seems to have forgotten his Lordship's name, lets come up with a narsty one),andhaving accompanied the couple on their Wedding Trip to Venicewas "persuaded" ,when her Ladyship took sick on her weddin' night,to be "stand-in" In the Honeymoon Bed so His Lordship should have his married consumated. I was named Venetia and was known as being the daughter of a Gondelier.

Her Ladyship having had to eventually recover from her indisposition soon gave birth to Little Lady Prudence Priscilla (sorry,Prue but i couldn't forget this one, it dates back to '95)who became mychildhood companion, and i was sent with her to all of her lessons, which is why i can speak proper when i choose.

As i approached young womanhood His Lordship started getting a little too friendly for my taste, and knowing that he was in truth my father i thought i had better find myself a new position so i stole the kennel boy's clothes and run off to London, where i was found by Mr Jeremy Wolfe while begging for food in the street. Upon hearing my pathetic pleading, he took me in hand and told me that he would protect me, and teach me how to talk proper Cockney so i wouldn't be took for a toff what was 'aving her circumstances reduced and be took advantage of, so i been wif 'im ever since, entertainin' Gentlemen.

But then, there was the Horrible Experience wif Miss Twinkleton and i hain't been the same,since.

Miss Twinkleton begs to intrude: "I fear that we were excessively optimistic regarding Miss Oakes' grasp of the poise and restraint that are required to interpret the Classical Dance. She had seemed to make such progress! "

It was a cold, bitter cold winter. We was cold, we was starvin. Jeremy said with my book learnin i ought to be able to find a position in a shop somewhere and maybe earn enough money to help Jenny put food on the table, such as it was. More like a barrel in an alley.

So i went and got me a job at the Corset Shop, modeling in the window. It was lovely, it was, ne being all warm and cosy and being paid to Entertain Gentlemen wifout 'avin to touch them! One day a Little Girl come by and she was so sweet, she gave me a lollie, a nice Red Lollipop. So i just sat and held it in me hand, saving it to share wif my poor sisters out in the cold until my shift was over.

But next day, when i went to do my shift at the shop, the Proprietress told me i was Sacked! "Why", i asked, in shock. What had I done wrong? "You had a Lollipop", she said."I didn't Steal it!", I said."The Little Girl done give it to me!"" The Landlady says it was Offensive" , she told me, and had told her she 'ad to sack me. As i trudged away into the snow, and took a look back at the shop where iI had been so warm and happy, there in the window a Charming Scene of a Schoolteacher, a Schoolgirl and a Paddle. As I slowly wandered, not really Paying Attention to Where I was Going, I drifted into a Better part of London, an area I was Not Familiar with. I was so Very cold and tired I just sat down and curled up In the first doorway I could fit in out of the wind. Next fing I knew, there was Miss Twinkleton, the Schoolteacher, shaking me back to my senses and helping me to my feet. "We must Help this Poor, Lost Sparrow" she exclaimed and brought me to the Reverend Kersparkle's Institute for the Artistic Betterment of Unfortunate Young Women.

Part 3

t wa s'orrible, it was. Like being back in Lessons wif Little Lady Prudence Priscilla, gettin' me hand whacked for every mistake Her made 'erself!Leastwise, this time it were fer me own mistakes. I was Forced to Sit in Chapel for hours upon hours, enduring endless sermons from the Reverend about how Culture will Elevate the Sinner to realms of Divinity and such nonsense until me poor bum was in danger of becoming permanently flat!And 'im checkin' regular to see that it didn't.

And the Dancing Lessons! Unendurable Pain and Freezin for never being allowed to wear more than me knickers and vest while in the Dancing Master's Presence! And of course the Reverend Kersparkle always there to see the Dancing Lessons and follow my Progress.

Then came the fateful day when Miss Twinkleton made me go wif 'er to the Music Hall. Once again my clothes was Stripped from me and she wrapped me in a bit of Fluff and Gauze and told me I was goin' ta Dance the Ballet!" But they's People Out There!"I protested. "Exactly", replied Miss Twinkleton, as she dragged me ito the Wings, "Witnesses to the Rehabilitating Powers of A Cultural Education".and Pushed me onto the Stage!

She'd thrust a Basket of Flowers into my hands as she shoved me into the Footlights, and as she sang a tune about something called a "Ninch" i was to Dance and strew them about, one basket at a time. But when the Stage Manager handed me the Second Basket, it was full of Ladie's Unmentionables! Not knowing what else to do, I flung undergarments about the theater, the Chairman of the music Hall most helpful in pocketing- I mean, picking up some small items of Lingerie.

The Third Basket. i shudder to recall..it was...oh cruel trick! The third Basket was full of Rats!In shock and fury I threw them, one at a time, in the Face of the Stage Manager, and turned to Flee into the Wings, there it was suddenly before me! Horrible, Terrible it was! It was Huge! A Great, Huge, Horrible, Six-Ann-a-Half-Foot,Four Hundred Pound (anyone have a clue what that would be in "stones"?) Bu.....A Huge, Horrible Buh...Buh....a Buuuuuuh.........

BUTTERFLY!

It Chased me About the Stage, stomping almost through the Boards with its Enormous Feet. It Picked me Up and Flung me All About with Great Abandon! It Dropped me on the FLoor and Fell on Top of me!I struggled to Get Away but it held to any part of my Body it could wrap its paws around until, Exhausted , we fell Together to the Ground.

When the Curtains were closed I came to my Senses and ran away and hid in the first Empty Drssing Room I happened into. All I had to wear wear the flimsy veils Miss Twinkleton had Tangled me up in, so I searched until I found some Clothes that by some Miracle, Fit me Perfectly! But I Found 'em, See? I didn't Steal them, they was just layin'there for Anyone to 'ave a go at!

In my New Black Dress I was able to slip out the rear door of the Theater and off I went.Free! I immediately struck up a Conversation with the Late Mr. Marley, whom I happened on dragging his Chains and Strongbox pst the Stage Door, in hopes of catching a Glimpse of some Free Entertainment. He was just introducing me to the Spirit of Christmas when Miss Twinkleton found me, deep in Conversation with Nobody she could See!

Havig come to the Conclusion that I had been driven Quite Mad by the Incident with the Butterfly, she forced me to Return with her to the Reverend for further rehabilitative activities. Finding that handling Bright Sparkly things made me quite Docile and Submissive, I was taught to string Beads onto bits of wire, attaching a Bell on the end, for people to hang in their Windows, and I was sent out to mind a small Pushcart outside the Adventurers' Club, to peddle my handwork to help pay for my Keep.

But now that I was Back on the Street, I was able to renew my association wif my dear Friend and Mentor, Jeremy Wolfe. He has promised to keep me away from Miss Twinkleton, and that he would ask Deziah, very Politely, and only if it is Convenient for her, to keep an eye out for me and keep me safe from Schoolteachers and Reverends for as long as I need protection.

And I have taken to visiting Mr Fezziwig in his Parlor, where I had the pleasure of Entertainin 'Im and several of 'is friends and h'employees at the Office Christmas Ball. Sometimes they pays me just for Dancin' wif them! (And none of miss Twink's Balley, neither! Real Dancin what makes your skirts whirl and yer 'ead spin!) and that's where i saw the Irish Boy, what played the Fiddle so Sad, I swore I would forsake Entertainin for all time, if only I could Be wif 'im...but in the Meantime, Beg pardon, Governor, looking for a Spot of Entertainment this Fine Winter's Night?